The dysregulated child and communication

“One of our greatest freedoms is how we react to things”

— Charles Mackesy

How do I react to my child’s dysregulated state? I’ve been thinking about this a lot in my own home lately. When our children are dysregulated, it can be hard to react with compassion. In the past few weeks, I have seen many beautiful parents help their children regulate through soothing touch, rocking, movement, sucking, and music. I would love to tell you that I respond with equal connection as those mothers, but that is not always true. Sometimes, I hear myself saying things like, ‘Listen to me’, ‘Use your words’, ‘Stop’, or ‘Say sorry’. Rationally, I know the sound of my voice only adds to the noise and overstimulates my child’s already overloaded system. So, why do I do it? Why do I keep talking? The truth is, I am not always regulated enough to help regulate my child. What I need is a gentle reminder of what is happening in their brain when they dysregulate. When I understand my child more, I find it easier to react with kindness.

The child’s dysregulated brain

We all dysregulate. We all go into fight, flight, freeze, or faint when we perceive a threat. Some children have particularly sensitive stress responses, which may cause them to dysregulate more frequently than their peers. An overly sensitive stress response may treat anything novel, such as transitions, social unpredictability, or sudden and unexpected noises and lights, as potential threats. According to Dr Dan Siegel, these children have a ‘small window of tolerance’ and may ‘flip their lid’ following seemingly minor triggers. When children ‘flip their lid’, their higher brain (cortex) is no longer integrated with the lower brain (brainstem, limbic system). Our dysregulated children may become chaotic and hyperaroused, or rigid and withdrawn. The cortex of their brain, where speech, language, reasoning, and learning takes plus, shuts down. So, when our children are dysregulated, they are unable to decipher our words or access their own vocabulary. There is no need to prompt them to use their words or to listen. They can’t.

Teaching our sensitive children to communicate

How do we teach our dysregulated child to talk? In a nutshell, we don’t. We cannot teach our children communication skills without their cortical ‘lid’ being back on their lower brain. As Dr Bruce Perry explains in his bottom-up approach, regulation comes first. A regulated body and brain is the foundation for communication development. We do not learn when our bodies and brains are flooded with stress and neither do our children. First we need to help our children regulate. We need to be curious and explore how our child regulates. Some children may need to be outside, by themselves, exploring nature. Some children like cuddles. Other children enjoy movement; running or jumping on the trampoline. Once regulated, with an integrated system and cortex open for learning, communication goals can be targeted. Remember, all communication development begins with connection. As with Dr Perry’s approach, first we regulate, then we connect with our child, and then their brain and body are primed ready for communication development. Regulate, connect, communicate.

This is not always easy. In fact, often it is not. Some children become dysregulated frequently or take a particularly long time to integrate their systems and regulate again. It can be challenging for their families to guide their development when they constantly feel like they are walking on eggshells - afraid of tipping their child back into a dysregulated state. For these children, guiding them to expand their window of tolerance, so their brain is integrated more often, may be an important precursory step. It is understandable to want to help your child talk, but first help them regulate and connect. You may need to reach out for help from a professional to guide you.

Reacting to our dysregulated child

We may not always know what causes our child to dysregulate. We may not always know what will help them calm their bodies and brains. One thing I do know - my child does not need all of my talking at this time. They certainly do not need me asking them to use their words, to listen, to be reasonable, or to apologise. They can’t do any of these things until their system is integrated once again. Maybe the best thing I can do is to regulate myself so I can help regulate my child.