How do I help my child develop?
‘Is it my fault?’
This is the most common question parents ask me. This question and I are well acquainted, particularly in the depth of night. ‘Is it my fault they are not sleeping?’ ‘Is it my fault they are not feeding?’ ‘Is it my fault they don’t like tummy time?’ Although I went into parenting with knowledge about child development, I was certainly not immune to doubt and worry. In the grips of early motherhood, there were times when I felt solely responsible for my child’s development – if I made one wrong turn, one human error, their future would be impacted. In those moments, I needed to hear that my child’s development was not all up to me. That I could stumble and my child would still know they were loved. I needed to remind myself what I know to be true about child development – my connection with them matters. My short answer to the loving parents who ask, ‘Is it my fault my child is not talking?’ or ‘Is it my fault they are delayed?’ is, ‘No’. My long answer follows.
When we know more, we do better, right? We now certainly know a lot about child development. We know about the power of neuroplasticity and the substantial body of evidence to support targeted guidance in the early years. Parents are inundated with information and terms like ‘early intervention’ and the ‘critical period’. What do our sleep-deprived brains do with all of this information? We get worried. We do more. I know how this knowledge can affect how we feel and how we show up for our children. I have seen amazing parents rushing to a myriad of ‘developmental’ activities, worried that their child was missing out. I have left play dates and spent hours googling sleep schedules, breastfeeding, tummy time, as fear rushed through my veins. When my oldest turned 7, I remember thinking, ‘Well his brain is set now!’. Have we misinterpreted the science and increased our already heavy burden of parental responsibility?
With each layer of new information, we may inadvertently be squeezing out the very essence of what helps our brains develop. As parents, we don’t want to miss the critical window, so we book in so many things. Our young children are doing it all. Their little lives are scheduled. They are busy. But busyness is not the key to their development. The answer will not be found in the doing. It is in the being. Your child’s deep, loving connection with you is the most important ingredient in their early development. This connection is built over time, unhurried time, and through shared enjoyment in positive experiences. Our child’s brain is poised for development when they are flooded with feel-good hormones, like serotonin, dopamine, oxytocin, and endorphins. Cortisol is not a friend of the developing brain.
When you share a loving, deep connection with your child and are engaged in something you both enjoy, you are doing the best ‘developmental’ activity there is. Free of charge.
As a society, we are sending the wrong message about helping our young children develop. If a child is not meeting ‘normal’ milestones, we rush to ‘intervene’ in their ‘critical window’. Their parents need to do more; these children need to do more. This often leads to more stress and less unscheduled time – two foes of child development. Don’t get me wrong. I wholeheartedly believe in guiding children in the early years – I am one of the ‘helping professionals’ after all. There is a lot we can do, but our intentions matter. Before we jump in, we need to take a breath. We need to see all of their unique skills, focus on their strengths, allow their differences, and then guide them along their unique path. We need to find trust in development. More doing is not necessarily the answer. Child development is not something we can or should ‘manage’, ‘fix’, or ‘control’. Child development is a miracle, unfolding as if by magic, one small step after another. Regardless of where your child is on their developmental path, this is not all up to you. And for the parents who have developed deep, loving connections with their child, it is absolutely not your fault.